Thursday, May 6, 2010

What a Day

Three big things happened today: I realized Kamil died of asphyxiation, my husband told me thank you, a girl from one of my classes approached me about her daughter.

1. I know Kamil had several diagnoses but today something hit me and I had this mental image of his blue lips and white skin. It was very overwhelming. The shock of his death is starting to wear off and the fog of the medicine is clearing so more mental images are coming through, more memories, and more feelings. I physically shook my head trying to get it to go away. All I could do was say hamdullah and wait for the moment to pass.

2. Simo told me thank you today for preserving Kamil's memory. Those weren't his exact words. he said thnak goodness I have you. I asked what he meant. He told me taking the pictures and recording the heartbeat were things he would never have done. He said it wasn't real to him until he had Kamil dead in his arms. This was a rare moment in our relationship where we actually confided in each other about feelings. Kamil's death is bringing us closer. It's so unfortunate it took the death of our son to do this.

3. A girl from my Thursday night reading class approached me. She told me she had asked my professor for my email after she had annouced to the class that Kamil had passed away. She wanted to contact me b/c her daughter had passed away July 09. She was born prematurely at 24 weeks. She lived 2 weeks and 5 days. This connection sparked something inside me. Mom said it was me feeling that I am not alone. maybe. Anyway I told her to contact My Very Own Angel founder Stephanie Stewart. So... we will all have this support between each other.

I've wanted to write several times. There are so many feelings, thoughts, and emotions that aare fleeting in this time of grief. It's hard to catch it all and I want to remeber everything about this time with Kamil. I am doing the best I can.

Ali is struggling now. He has a stress blister on his lip and talks a lot about death. He asks many questions and yesterday he asked if we could have another baby. He wanted to know if I would get sick again and if the new baby would get sick. I was at a loss for words but managed to talk it out with him. My mom has been with me every minute. this has been a tremendous help. She is moving to Oklahoma to be closer to us and her other daughters.

We have received so many kind words and gestures in the past ten days. The outpour of generosity and genuine concern for our family is touching. This experience has changed my life and relationships with people around me forever. I can feel myself maturing. Old things have lost their importance. Kamil's life taught me about prioritizing. Maybe that was his purpose.