One Month

The time has gone by so slowly and so quickly at the same time. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to speed ahead. School starts in less than one week and I have intense anxiety just thinking about it. Some ask why don't I quit or take a break but I ask and do what instead? Be depressed, be unproductive, just sit around the house? What else can I do but keep going and reach the goals we've set for our family. It's just hard and some days I feel crazy.

This week was hard. i've thought about the one month mark everyday like it means something. not really what's the difference one day or one month. Simo and I have fought several times about nothing. I'm just having a hard time adjusting.

Ali is doing so much better. Actually he is great hamdullah. I go back to Dr. Maarouf next Friday. I'm not looking forward to this. I don't want her to know how bad I'm actually doing. I don't know why but I don't but I can't hide it either.

Fear

I read a grief book. My mom bought this book for me because she loves to read self help books. I always tease her about what a crock of crap this stuff is. The book told me a lot of what I already knew. I did learn two things from the book. I had experienced anticipatory grief and had moved through many of the stages of grieving before Kamil's birth. Denial, anger, insomnia, and depression are things I experienced and moved past during January, February, March, and part of April. I can look back now at a previous post in which I described coming out of depression and a fog and not realizing I was depressed. Well that was my grieving.

The other thing I learned was fear is also an emotion from grief. I have had a lot of fear in the past few weeks. Feelings of looking over my shoulder because I might get robbed or at a carnival I was totally uncomfortable and wanted to leave because I was scared. Of what? I don't know. I also freaked out in abad part of OKC. My mom needed some tylenol so we stopped at a Dollar General and there were two people hanging around that looked suspicious. I didn't want to get out of the car. I think this fear is coming from a sense of loss of control. Before a death you feel very in control of your life. Even my religious beliefs tell me I don't have control and I believe that but your psyche tricks you into thinking you have control.

Ali is very sick. Last night was the worst night. He coudn't swallow, breathe, or suck his thumb. He had a high fever and sweating. I was very scared. Not because he is sick but just of the creeping feeling that something could happen to him. I am not obsessing over it but the thought does sneak up on me. If something happened to Ali I don't know how me and Simo could survive.

I'm not used to these type of thoughts and feelings. I am always on top of things, organized, and confident. Now I can't remember things from one hour to the next. I have to depend on my mom and Simo to remind me. I have to make a list of things to be done for the week so I don't forget. I'm scared, nervous, and withdrawn. I'm not confident in my parenting methods, social interactions, and daily choices.

The grief I am experiencing now differs from the anticipatory grief I experienced after the diagnosis. Today we are going to the graveyard. This will be my first time to see the grave. I am hoping it will help bring more closure. I can understand how people who lose a spouse or parent can go on pretending they are there or don't move their things. it makes them feel complete. I could totally see myself pulling up a highchair to the table. It is Kamil's place. He is part of the family. He is just not here.

Ghost

Normally when you have a baby you are so caught up in the immediate needs of the baby you forget the pregnancy altogether. You are tired from feeding, changing diapers, and trying to manage a new normal you don't remeber the flutters in your stomach and the kicks in your ribs.

When you lose your baby you live with a ghost. Each day this ghost kicks my tummy. The ghost ripples through my belly. Other people might say they are incomplete or their is a hole in them. It's the same feeling. When milk drips from my body it's like my body crying for a baby.

I chose the name Kamil because it meant complete in Arabic. It seemed right at the time. The reality now is that our family is very incomplete. We are adjusting to a new normal. It's the best anyone can do. Life doesn't stop when your baby dies.

What a Day

Three big things happened today: I realized Kamil died of asphyxiation, my husband told me thank you, a girl from one of my classes approached me about her daughter.

1. I know Kamil had several diagnoses but today something hit me and I had this mental image of his blue lips and white skin. It was very overwhelming. The shock of his death is starting to wear off and the fog of the medicine is clearing so more mental images are coming through, more memories, and more feelings. I physically shook my head trying to get it to go away. All I could do was say hamdullah and wait for the moment to pass.

2. Simo told me thank you today for preserving Kamil's memory. Those weren't his exact words. he said thnak goodness I have you. I asked what he meant. He told me taking the pictures and recording the heartbeat were things he would never have done. He said it wasn't real to him until he had Kamil dead in his arms. This was a rare moment in our relationship where we actually confided in each other about feelings. Kamil's death is bringing us closer. It's so unfortunate it took the death of our son to do this.

3. A girl from my Thursday night reading class approached me. She told me she had asked my professor for my email after she had annouced to the class that Kamil had passed away. She wanted to contact me b/c her daughter had passed away July 09. She was born prematurely at 24 weeks. She lived 2 weeks and 5 days. This connection sparked something inside me. Mom said it was me feeling that I am not alone. maybe. Anyway I told her to contact My Very Own Angel founder Stephanie Stewart. So... we will all have this support between each other.

I've wanted to write several times. There are so many feelings, thoughts, and emotions that aare fleeting in this time of grief. It's hard to catch it all and I want to remeber everything about this time with Kamil. I am doing the best I can.

Ali is struggling now. He has a stress blister on his lip and talks a lot about death. He asks many questions and yesterday he asked if we could have another baby. He wanted to know if I would get sick again and if the new baby would get sick. I was at a loss for words but managed to talk it out with him. My mom has been with me every minute. this has been a tremendous help. She is moving to Oklahoma to be closer to us and her other daughters.

We have received so many kind words and gestures in the past ten days. The outpour of generosity and genuine concern for our family is touching. This experience has changed my life and relationships with people around me forever. I can feel myself maturing. Old things have lost their importance. Kamil's life taught me about prioritizing. Maybe that was his purpose.