Kamil's birth story

Last Wednesday I started to feel pre labor signs. On Thursday I turned in my one week notice at work. Friday and Saturday were uneventful. Sunday the blood came. Monday I was still bleeding. I called my doctor and went in for a check up. I was dilated 1/2 cm. Kamil was fine. The ultrasound showed that his head had not grown with the rest of his body. So his femur/body measured 37 weeks and his head measured at 30 weeks. The umbilical cord was still low in the cervix. At 4 pm I had mild back contractions and was sent home to rest.

At 9pm I had mild stomach contractions. At 1opm the contractions were every 15 minutes lasting for 30 seconds each. By 11pm the contractions were every 5 minutes for 1 minute. At 12 I went to the hospital. I was dilated to 1/2 cm still. then I went to 3, 6, received the epidural, when it started to kick in I was dilated to 9.

At about 2:00 the umbilical cord came out before Kamil. He passed away at 2:30 in the birth canal due to cord compression cutting his oxygen supply during each contraction. He was born at 3:01 am on 4-27-2010. He was 5 lbs. 20 inches.

I was so scared to see him but after the first few minutes the shock wore off a little bit. I was able to spend time with him and actually enjoy holding him. My nurse and friend Pepper bathed him and dressed him for me. I slept a few hours with him.

My mother brought Ali to the hospital at 9am the next morning. We talked about Kamil being sick and how he had died. Ali wanted to see him. A few hours later Ali met Kamil. It was very sweet and Ali handled everything very maturely. I hope this was the right thing. I feel it was for our family. There were plenty of pictures. Barb the bereavement specialist at baptist-integris is a wonderful lady and made the whole experience very peaceful and minimized the stress. She provided great advice and information.

The Imam came and gave some uplifting words and put things into perspective. We arranged the burial for that afternoon. I made moldings of Kamil's hand and foot, took a locket of hair, and spent the last few hours hugging and kissing him. he was so sweet and soft. Poor little baby. Miskeen.

My in laws, family, friends, and coworkers visited. I really thought I wouldn't want anyone around but the opposite was true. I love and appreciate all the visits and support, text messages and voicemails, cards and flowers. At 3pm my husband picked Kamil up and met his brother at the mosque to go to Mercy Cemetery to bury Kamil. They dug the grave and buried the baby. I was discharged from the hospital at 4pm and was home by 5.

It all happened so fast but this is life. Death is a reminder of how short life is. A reminder to get yourself straight. A reminder to be ready for judgement day. Kamil is going to be a bird of paradise waiting for his parents to take them throught the gates inshAllah.

I am home now. We are doing fine. So many people are reaching out. It is really wonderful to have so much love in this time.

Uggh

Oh my how can I put this? It is April 2 so I think I've been out of it for the past three months. It's not until you can come out of depression a lil bit to realize you have been in it. I have been sooooo depressed. I have done nothing for three months! and I've felt horrible. I've wanted to go no where and see no one and do nothing. My son and my job have literally been my life force or I would have melted into my couch. With that said I am feeling better. I think my in laws coming had something to do with that. We had to get prepared for them to come and so I kicked it into high gear. Anyway they are here from Morocco. My father in law, Sister in law and husband, and their son Ghali my lil nephew. So there is more life in the house now which is good for my overall health.

This morning I am going to my maternity photo shoot. I have so many mixed feelings about doing this but I hear that I will appreciate it later. It is through this foundation called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I read about it on another mom's blog (Shout Out Stephanie!) who went through the same thing with her son's pregnacy last March. So I hope this goes well.

On another note. Tuesday and Wednesday brought more difficult decisions. Both Dr. Stanley and Dr. Maarouf have told me the umbilical cord is below the Kamil's head and that could mean a c-section if it didn't move. So we have been waiting to see of the cord will move on it's own or not. Well I am almost 33 weeks and the cord has not moved. Kamil is actually not in the fetal position. He is bent straight in half with his feet over his head ready to come out. So the problen is that during labor and delivery the umbilical cord supplies the baby with his oxygen. If the cord stays where it is then it will get squished and cut off his oxygen before he is born. Basically he would die during birth. A C-section would skip all of this but both doctors do not want me to do a c-section. The risk for future preganacies and yada yada yada. So if you have a viable baby c-section is no problem but for the outcome I am waiting for there is no point to do a c-section. So I'm told. Everyone agrees with the dr.s but I am really hoping for those few minutes/seconds of life. I just don't know what I will do yet. Prayer first. Lots of prayer. Istakara for some resolve.

I'm also starting to think about Ali. He is so excited about the baby. I have to really think about how we are going to handle this with him. He's so young.