One Month

The time has gone by so slowly and so quickly at the same time. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to speed ahead. School starts in less than one week and I have intense anxiety just thinking about it. Some ask why don't I quit or take a break but I ask and do what instead? Be depressed, be unproductive, just sit around the house? What else can I do but keep going and reach the goals we've set for our family. It's just hard and some days I feel crazy.

This week was hard. i've thought about the one month mark everyday like it means something. not really what's the difference one day or one month. Simo and I have fought several times about nothing. I'm just having a hard time adjusting.

Ali is doing so much better. Actually he is great hamdullah. I go back to Dr. Maarouf next Friday. I'm not looking forward to this. I don't want her to know how bad I'm actually doing. I don't know why but I don't but I can't hide it either.

Fear

I read a grief book. My mom bought this book for me because she loves to read self help books. I always tease her about what a crock of crap this stuff is. The book told me a lot of what I already knew. I did learn two things from the book. I had experienced anticipatory grief and had moved through many of the stages of grieving before Kamil's birth. Denial, anger, insomnia, and depression are things I experienced and moved past during January, February, March, and part of April. I can look back now at a previous post in which I described coming out of depression and a fog and not realizing I was depressed. Well that was my grieving.

The other thing I learned was fear is also an emotion from grief. I have had a lot of fear in the past few weeks. Feelings of looking over my shoulder because I might get robbed or at a carnival I was totally uncomfortable and wanted to leave because I was scared. Of what? I don't know. I also freaked out in abad part of OKC. My mom needed some tylenol so we stopped at a Dollar General and there were two people hanging around that looked suspicious. I didn't want to get out of the car. I think this fear is coming from a sense of loss of control. Before a death you feel very in control of your life. Even my religious beliefs tell me I don't have control and I believe that but your psyche tricks you into thinking you have control.

Ali is very sick. Last night was the worst night. He coudn't swallow, breathe, or suck his thumb. He had a high fever and sweating. I was very scared. Not because he is sick but just of the creeping feeling that something could happen to him. I am not obsessing over it but the thought does sneak up on me. If something happened to Ali I don't know how me and Simo could survive.

I'm not used to these type of thoughts and feelings. I am always on top of things, organized, and confident. Now I can't remember things from one hour to the next. I have to depend on my mom and Simo to remind me. I have to make a list of things to be done for the week so I don't forget. I'm scared, nervous, and withdrawn. I'm not confident in my parenting methods, social interactions, and daily choices.

The grief I am experiencing now differs from the anticipatory grief I experienced after the diagnosis. Today we are going to the graveyard. This will be my first time to see the grave. I am hoping it will help bring more closure. I can understand how people who lose a spouse or parent can go on pretending they are there or don't move their things. it makes them feel complete. I could totally see myself pulling up a highchair to the table. It is Kamil's place. He is part of the family. He is just not here.

Ghost

Normally when you have a baby you are so caught up in the immediate needs of the baby you forget the pregnancy altogether. You are tired from feeding, changing diapers, and trying to manage a new normal you don't remeber the flutters in your stomach and the kicks in your ribs.

When you lose your baby you live with a ghost. Each day this ghost kicks my tummy. The ghost ripples through my belly. Other people might say they are incomplete or their is a hole in them. It's the same feeling. When milk drips from my body it's like my body crying for a baby.

I chose the name Kamil because it meant complete in Arabic. It seemed right at the time. The reality now is that our family is very incomplete. We are adjusting to a new normal. It's the best anyone can do. Life doesn't stop when your baby dies.

What a Day

Three big things happened today: I realized Kamil died of asphyxiation, my husband told me thank you, a girl from one of my classes approached me about her daughter.

1. I know Kamil had several diagnoses but today something hit me and I had this mental image of his blue lips and white skin. It was very overwhelming. The shock of his death is starting to wear off and the fog of the medicine is clearing so more mental images are coming through, more memories, and more feelings. I physically shook my head trying to get it to go away. All I could do was say hamdullah and wait for the moment to pass.

2. Simo told me thank you today for preserving Kamil's memory. Those weren't his exact words. he said thnak goodness I have you. I asked what he meant. He told me taking the pictures and recording the heartbeat were things he would never have done. He said it wasn't real to him until he had Kamil dead in his arms. This was a rare moment in our relationship where we actually confided in each other about feelings. Kamil's death is bringing us closer. It's so unfortunate it took the death of our son to do this.

3. A girl from my Thursday night reading class approached me. She told me she had asked my professor for my email after she had annouced to the class that Kamil had passed away. She wanted to contact me b/c her daughter had passed away July 09. She was born prematurely at 24 weeks. She lived 2 weeks and 5 days. This connection sparked something inside me. Mom said it was me feeling that I am not alone. maybe. Anyway I told her to contact My Very Own Angel founder Stephanie Stewart. So... we will all have this support between each other.

I've wanted to write several times. There are so many feelings, thoughts, and emotions that aare fleeting in this time of grief. It's hard to catch it all and I want to remeber everything about this time with Kamil. I am doing the best I can.

Ali is struggling now. He has a stress blister on his lip and talks a lot about death. He asks many questions and yesterday he asked if we could have another baby. He wanted to know if I would get sick again and if the new baby would get sick. I was at a loss for words but managed to talk it out with him. My mom has been with me every minute. this has been a tremendous help. She is moving to Oklahoma to be closer to us and her other daughters.

We have received so many kind words and gestures in the past ten days. The outpour of generosity and genuine concern for our family is touching. This experience has changed my life and relationships with people around me forever. I can feel myself maturing. Old things have lost their importance. Kamil's life taught me about prioritizing. Maybe that was his purpose.

Kamil's birth story

Last Wednesday I started to feel pre labor signs. On Thursday I turned in my one week notice at work. Friday and Saturday were uneventful. Sunday the blood came. Monday I was still bleeding. I called my doctor and went in for a check up. I was dilated 1/2 cm. Kamil was fine. The ultrasound showed that his head had not grown with the rest of his body. So his femur/body measured 37 weeks and his head measured at 30 weeks. The umbilical cord was still low in the cervix. At 4 pm I had mild back contractions and was sent home to rest.

At 9pm I had mild stomach contractions. At 1opm the contractions were every 15 minutes lasting for 30 seconds each. By 11pm the contractions were every 5 minutes for 1 minute. At 12 I went to the hospital. I was dilated to 1/2 cm still. then I went to 3, 6, received the epidural, when it started to kick in I was dilated to 9.

At about 2:00 the umbilical cord came out before Kamil. He passed away at 2:30 in the birth canal due to cord compression cutting his oxygen supply during each contraction. He was born at 3:01 am on 4-27-2010. He was 5 lbs. 20 inches.

I was so scared to see him but after the first few minutes the shock wore off a little bit. I was able to spend time with him and actually enjoy holding him. My nurse and friend Pepper bathed him and dressed him for me. I slept a few hours with him.

My mother brought Ali to the hospital at 9am the next morning. We talked about Kamil being sick and how he had died. Ali wanted to see him. A few hours later Ali met Kamil. It was very sweet and Ali handled everything very maturely. I hope this was the right thing. I feel it was for our family. There were plenty of pictures. Barb the bereavement specialist at baptist-integris is a wonderful lady and made the whole experience very peaceful and minimized the stress. She provided great advice and information.

The Imam came and gave some uplifting words and put things into perspective. We arranged the burial for that afternoon. I made moldings of Kamil's hand and foot, took a locket of hair, and spent the last few hours hugging and kissing him. he was so sweet and soft. Poor little baby. Miskeen.

My in laws, family, friends, and coworkers visited. I really thought I wouldn't want anyone around but the opposite was true. I love and appreciate all the visits and support, text messages and voicemails, cards and flowers. At 3pm my husband picked Kamil up and met his brother at the mosque to go to Mercy Cemetery to bury Kamil. They dug the grave and buried the baby. I was discharged from the hospital at 4pm and was home by 5.

It all happened so fast but this is life. Death is a reminder of how short life is. A reminder to get yourself straight. A reminder to be ready for judgement day. Kamil is going to be a bird of paradise waiting for his parents to take them throught the gates inshAllah.

I am home now. We are doing fine. So many people are reaching out. It is really wonderful to have so much love in this time.

Uggh

Oh my how can I put this? It is April 2 so I think I've been out of it for the past three months. It's not until you can come out of depression a lil bit to realize you have been in it. I have been sooooo depressed. I have done nothing for three months! and I've felt horrible. I've wanted to go no where and see no one and do nothing. My son and my job have literally been my life force or I would have melted into my couch. With that said I am feeling better. I think my in laws coming had something to do with that. We had to get prepared for them to come and so I kicked it into high gear. Anyway they are here from Morocco. My father in law, Sister in law and husband, and their son Ghali my lil nephew. So there is more life in the house now which is good for my overall health.

This morning I am going to my maternity photo shoot. I have so many mixed feelings about doing this but I hear that I will appreciate it later. It is through this foundation called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I read about it on another mom's blog (Shout Out Stephanie!) who went through the same thing with her son's pregnacy last March. So I hope this goes well.

On another note. Tuesday and Wednesday brought more difficult decisions. Both Dr. Stanley and Dr. Maarouf have told me the umbilical cord is below the Kamil's head and that could mean a c-section if it didn't move. So we have been waiting to see of the cord will move on it's own or not. Well I am almost 33 weeks and the cord has not moved. Kamil is actually not in the fetal position. He is bent straight in half with his feet over his head ready to come out. So the problen is that during labor and delivery the umbilical cord supplies the baby with his oxygen. If the cord stays where it is then it will get squished and cut off his oxygen before he is born. Basically he would die during birth. A C-section would skip all of this but both doctors do not want me to do a c-section. The risk for future preganacies and yada yada yada. So if you have a viable baby c-section is no problem but for the outcome I am waiting for there is no point to do a c-section. So I'm told. Everyone agrees with the dr.s but I am really hoping for those few minutes/seconds of life. I just don't know what I will do yet. Prayer first. Lots of prayer. Istakara for some resolve.

I'm also starting to think about Ali. He is so excited about the baby. I have to really think about how we are going to handle this with him. He's so young.