Fear

I read a grief book. My mom bought this book for me because she loves to read self help books. I always tease her about what a crock of crap this stuff is. The book told me a lot of what I already knew. I did learn two things from the book. I had experienced anticipatory grief and had moved through many of the stages of grieving before Kamil's birth. Denial, anger, insomnia, and depression are things I experienced and moved past during January, February, March, and part of April. I can look back now at a previous post in which I described coming out of depression and a fog and not realizing I was depressed. Well that was my grieving.

The other thing I learned was fear is also an emotion from grief. I have had a lot of fear in the past few weeks. Feelings of looking over my shoulder because I might get robbed or at a carnival I was totally uncomfortable and wanted to leave because I was scared. Of what? I don't know. I also freaked out in abad part of OKC. My mom needed some tylenol so we stopped at a Dollar General and there were two people hanging around that looked suspicious. I didn't want to get out of the car. I think this fear is coming from a sense of loss of control. Before a death you feel very in control of your life. Even my religious beliefs tell me I don't have control and I believe that but your psyche tricks you into thinking you have control.

Ali is very sick. Last night was the worst night. He coudn't swallow, breathe, or suck his thumb. He had a high fever and sweating. I was very scared. Not because he is sick but just of the creeping feeling that something could happen to him. I am not obsessing over it but the thought does sneak up on me. If something happened to Ali I don't know how me and Simo could survive.

I'm not used to these type of thoughts and feelings. I am always on top of things, organized, and confident. Now I can't remember things from one hour to the next. I have to depend on my mom and Simo to remind me. I have to make a list of things to be done for the week so I don't forget. I'm scared, nervous, and withdrawn. I'm not confident in my parenting methods, social interactions, and daily choices.

The grief I am experiencing now differs from the anticipatory grief I experienced after the diagnosis. Today we are going to the graveyard. This will be my first time to see the grave. I am hoping it will help bring more closure. I can understand how people who lose a spouse or parent can go on pretending they are there or don't move their things. it makes them feel complete. I could totally see myself pulling up a highchair to the table. It is Kamil's place. He is part of the family. He is just not here.